Technically, I am not blogging at the moment, since I am working on my book. But I just couldn’t let this day pass without putting something down here.
For the last hour, I have been tweeting about #WorldSuicidePreventionDay and was wondering how I could say something that would help someone else.
Then, it struck me that if I could post an extract from my WIP here, it may help. As you may have guessed by now, I am working on a book dealing with my personal battle against depression & bipolar disorder.
So, if what you read here can help you or someone you know, then that would make my year.
Extract
(This is a first draft and needs tons of editing, but sharing it for the benefit of those who may be in the throes of depression)
On the days when I felt that life was not worth living anymore, I would withdraw into a moody silence that distanced me from everyone in the house. Over time, my mother began to sense these delicate moments and would quickly put in a phone call to M or P. Both of them lived not too far away from my place, so getting to my house would take them under 15 minutes.
And they did. On the dot. Every single time.
One or the other was always available to come and talk to me, joke with me, pull my leg about our college crushes and the goof-ups we endured at the teachers’ hands. Very carefully and strategically, they would veer me away from the suicidal thoughts and keep me engaged with moments of rib-tickling laughter, warm and comforting hugs and huge dollops of sanity in my partially insane world. We avoided any reference to my being ‘mentally ill’ or ‘clinically depressed’, because, to them, our memories of one another always dominated everything else.
M would recall the time that we had attended that cultural festival together in Delhi and how a group of us would giggle helplessly each time a particular song was played. P would make me break into peals of laughter as she recounted the variety of colourful phrases she had used on the other motorists on the road that day. She always did have a fascinating vocabulary, that one!
Earlier attempts to harm myself had terrified my mom , enough to ensure that I never stepped out of the house unsupervised. When M and P came by,we’d go for a walk in the local park. As I sat there, with the wind playing soft caresses on my cheek or the sun gently bathing my skin, watching the birds chirp and the people walk around, I would forget that I was going through a traumatic and life-altering illness. For those thirty minutes, I was free- free from the choices that I had made, free from the pain of disappointment and liberated from the shackles of the mind-altering Bipolar Disorder.
Gratitude seems like a very inadequate term for what I feel when I think back at that entire period. Literally speaking, I owe these people my life. Support of any kind is so crucial to the recovery and recuperation part of mental illness. Whether that comes in the form of a loving parent, a trusted friend or an understanding spouse, it is invaluable when it is sent and received.
It takes very little to change the way the world thinks about something. We can do it with love, patience, compassion, forgiveness and unconditional acceptance. Take it from me. Were it not for the grace of my parents, my family and my friends, there is no telling how much longer I would have been in the abyss of depression, bipolar disorder and near-suicide.
Chances are I’d still be there, waiting for someone to hold out a hand and pull me out of the cavernous pit. Or maybe I wouldn’t be here at all.
Thank you so much for reading and the share. I’ll be sure to check out your post too on the topic.
To reduce the stigma, it’s so important to tell our stories. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing yours. I wrote something for this day too but from a different angle.
Thank you so much, Aditi. I hope the book (when it comes out) will help people 🙂
Thank you, Rachna 🙂 This was written two years ago. Can you believe I have yet to finish editing the first draft? What has been keeping me back? I will never know. Perhaps it’s time to work hard and get it out there. I think the time has come. I am ready.
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot. Always 🙂
How did I miss reading this? That was a wonderful extract. I am looking forward to good book. I am sure it will help many. How lucky you were to have so much support. I know a few who will not be allowed to seek treatment may because of the stigma. Always respect the fact that you share so much of some really difficult memories so that someone somewhere will benefit.
I know this wasn’t easy to write, bit thank you for sharing this. I hope people understand how important support is from family and friends. Go glad you had your mom and friends.
Keep writing. I am sure many people will benefit from your book. Love!
Got both comments here, Uma 🙂 <3
Oh my goodness! How terrible for you 🙁 Thanks for stopping by, Lalitha. Hope the book helps you when it comes out.
Thank you Sheethal. Sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar 🙁 I hope you find the courage to share it when the time is right <3
Thank you Nisha 🙂
Uma, you are too sweet for words. Thank you so much for all the encouragement and support. So many hugs coming your way <3
Thank you so much, Vidya <3
Ok, I had left a comment but looks like there has been a technical glitch.
I’m very glad to read the excerpt from the much-awaited book, Shailaja. If anyone had any doubts about the quality of the end product this excerpt should silence them. And, I’m also aware of how difficult it must have been to come forth so candidly about a personal experience. Much strength to you and best wishes. Also, I’m standing in the line behind Aparna 🙂
I was under depression for two years due to head injury. Depression is a common symptom of head injury but people around me aggravated my condition. Struggled hard to come out of it. Am awaiting to read your book.
I have also gone through something similar. And maybe one day I would be able to write about it too. Glad to get an opportunity to read an abstract from your upcoming book. Waiting for the release. All the best. You’re one very strong and inspiring woman. <3
Congrats Shailaja…Keep going. Best wishes
Glad to see the excerpt of the much-awaited book, Shailaja. I had no doubt of how well you’d be capturing your emotions in the write-up and this reading did not, even a bit, betray that confidence. I’m much aware too of how difficult it must have been to pen it all down so candidly. Much courage to you and best wishes. I’m standing in the line after Aparna, OK? 🙂
Thrilled to see this post, Shailaja! I am with you to support you in any way I can! Love you! Hugs. I think you are very brave to write about this.
I do. 🙂 <3
I’d like to think so. What a wonderful thing to hear
?
Yes, Esha it is 🙂 Absolutely…and so glad to have met you virtually…you are such a positive person Shailaja!
That sounds like a very difficult phase to go through, Esha. (Is it Esha? ) I am glad you have your support system in place. yes, people need people, it’s the one thing that keeps us going 🙂
I can see that your strength comes from being a part of such a wonderful support system that comes from your family. Stay blessed…we can all achieve the impossible when we have loved ones standing by us through thick and thin. I have recently recovered from a major surgery and have been fortunate to have my family give me incredible support through my most difficult moments, so I totally understand. More strength to you and your ‘quill’ 🙂
Thank you so much dear…
Shantala, you know how much I love you <3 But feel free to hear it from me over and over again. Thank you so very much, my dear. You know exactly what I mean by that 🙂
Thank you so very much. Yes, I think one of the core reasons for my being able to talk about this today is an incredibly supportive family. Without them, I would be in a very different space today.
Thank you Angela. I am touched by your concern and your comment <3
Do you know how grateful I am for this wonderful family that blogging has brought my way? So many many many ways. So blessed, Naba. Incredibly so <3
Thank you, Sid. As always.
That sounds pretty bad, Shilpa. I am so glad you decided not to take that drastic step and are around today, to share your thoughts and your glorious life. May you always be blessed. Always <3 Thank you for sharing this and I hope the book will live up to your expectations.
I am so glad that you have such wonderfully supportive family and friends, Shailaja. 🙂 Not everyone has that. But soon they will have a book, your book, in which I am sure they will find solace and hope.
Writing about a painful experience can’t be easy, but I know it will be worth it. Stay strong and write your heart out, dearie. We are here for you. Always. 🙂 <3
You are an incredibly brave lady to share your true experiences and am sure your book will inspire many more people to come forward and take ownership of their situation in life. You are so lucky to have been blessed with a wonderful family! Wish you every luck with the book project.
Thank you for sharing ! I am sure this will inspire many more persons, appreciate your courage
It takes so much courage to share these things and I say this because I know how our society is…Thank you for doing this and always remember your blogging family is right by you side should you ever need them.. 🙂
You’re an amazing woman, Shailaja. No apologies necessary! I so enjoy your posts, and their substance. Love and hugs back to you.
Keep writing, Shy.
And remember, we’re all here. Perhaps just alternate forms of M, P and your mom 🙂
I too was into depression.. That too during my pregnancy… At one point when things went too much bad in my life.. N I was totally broken .. I almost wanted to attempt… But somewhere down my heart asked me to wait for one another day., this changed my life to better.., now I m more independent and a happy mom of a beautiful daughter .. Hugs to u.. Eagerly waitin to read ur book
I am so sorry to hear you felt like killing yourself, Vishal. How terrible! Never ever hesitate to reach out if you need help. I promise to listen. Really.
The book is about my personal battle with depression, bipolar disorder and the lessons I have learnt from it. Hoping that it will help other people going through the same thing.
Thank you so much, Shilpa. I am blessed to have an incredible support system, both offline and online. Truly.
Thank you, Asha. If that happens, that would be great. I really mean it <3
I am so very sorry to hear that, Susan 🙁 How very devastating indeed. We have lost family too, but not very close ones. Still hurts and is horrifying. The what-ifs and the regrets can plague us for a long time and only with love can we come out it. Thank you so much for always reading and always being there. I am sorry I am not more regular these days when it comes to returning the visits. Love and hugs to you <3
Thank you so much, Titli. Your words and support mean more to me than anything else. Everything is a tightrope walk these days and we can use all the love we can get.
Anu, I am so grateful for you and everyone else who visits. I miss Yeah Write too. More than you know. But, since it would be unfair of me to write and not visit the others on the grid I have decided to take a break from blogging and focus on the book, in the hopes that it will help more people out there. Don’t worry. Will be back soon, I promise 🙂
Thank you so much for the support, Corinne. Yes, indeed. I do know the benefits of having my friends- real and virtual- to help me out. Wish I had embarked on this sooner, but as they say, everything has its time and place.
Thank you, Lata 🙂
Yes it is, Sanch. I regret waiting this long to do it, but I am glad I finally worked up the courage to say it out loud.
Thanks a ton, Tulika. Determined to finish it now 🙂
Thank you so much my dear <3
Shailaja. it’s courageous on your part to share and your parents made the best decision by being alert. It matters a lot. There have been testing times like that, I’ve faced it..wanted to kill myself because of sheer boredom. I’d love to read your book. What it’s all about?
It takes immense courage to share a painful experience. Glad that you had a great support system and looking forward to read your book, Shailaja!
Thanks for sharing Shailaja. I am sure your writing is helping so many people out there who might be battling the same.
Thank you for sharing, Shailaja; for your courage and strength. Our family has “been there” and we lost a loved one to suicide. Cannot stress the importance of shining the light on this topic. Blessings.
*tip
shailaja, it takes a lot of courage to just put a piece of yourself out there for everyone to know… and for doing just that, here’s a tight hug… you are right, identifying that there’s a problem, having loved ones with us, and believing that things will be fine could just to the scales in favor of life…
I’m not sure what to say, but I want to say something!
I hope your sharing this helps someone out there.
Good luck with your book. I miss reading your Yeah Write submissions!
It’s wonderful that you decided to share this today, Shailaja. Such a powerful reminder for how we can truly be there for another. I’m so glad you had your Mom and friends.
I wish you the very best with your book project. I hope it hits the stands soon – many people will benefit from it!
You are very brave Shailaja.
Great writing Shailaja…can’t wait for the finished product. It’s so important to talk directly about suicide and mental health.
This is going to be quite some book. Looking forward to it Shailaja.
Ooh that is powerful writing Shailaja. Can’t wait for the author signed copy of the book :D.